If you have a person with high levels of narcissism in your life, it is more likely that you will become exhausted, overwhelmed, or confused than it is that the narcissist will change.
People with a narcissistic style or diagnosable narcissistic personality disorder stubbornly cling to their psychological defenses and rarely cease promoting their own image. Over time, you may become inured to how extreme and costly their actions are.
That's why it is important to do a reality check on narcissistic behaviors as opposed to healthier behaviors.
Characteristics of Narcissists:
Characteristics of Non-Narcissists:
Narcissistic behaviors such as those listed above are generally designed to disguise insecurities. Some behaviors, like avoiding introspection, denying mistakes, stonewalling, or blaming others, seek to shine the spotlight away from a narcissist's perceived flaws.
Others, such as spoiling others' good moods, holding grudges, and being hypersensitive to slights and criticism, are designed to put others on the defensive in hopes that others will be less likely to challenge a narcissist's fragile ego and shaky self-image.
Still others, such as having one-way relationships or lacking empathy, reflect the difficulties narcissists have in engaging in anything other than superficial or transactional relationships.
The contrast between people with narcissism and healthier individuals is also striking in what they value.
Values of People with Narcissism:
Values of Non-Narcissists:
Narcissists hold values such as perfection, winning, superiority, and status in the hope that doing so will bring them greater attention and approval. Their values, like their behaviors, tend to be self-aggrandizing, as opposed to more inclusive values such as connection, compassion, and authenticity held by non-narcissists.
Recognizing how different the behaviors and values of narcissistic people are can give rise to four valuable questions:
The answers to these questions can lead you to set healthier boundaries with people who are narcissistic.
As with most personality disorders, narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by distorted views of one's self, others, and the world. By seeing such distortions, and then identifying and staying true to your values, you can hold your own in the face of narcissistic people and behavior.
THE BASICSCopyright © 2021 Dan Neuharth PhD MFT
A version of this post also appeared on PsychCentral.com
